Every page of this insightful journey that Dr. Shefali Tsabary ushers us into, demands deep reflection. Her words are likely to evoke the inevitable guilt pangs especially in those of us nurturing slightly older kids.
It busts the myth of parenting as an entitlement by virtue of biology; a proclamation which emerges from the fallacy of having the child being brought into this world from our blood and sweat alone, whereas the fact, only visible to the minds open to acceptance, remains that the children we claim ours, have emerged only ‘through’ us.
The delusion of entitlement creates a solid excuse to exert our control and authority, rejected elsewhere, onto our kids.
The book is a call for action – To direct the spot-light inward.
Her writing is focused on three important aspects of the journey of parenting –
a) Self-awareness –
Reasoning out the negative emotions we experience within to the point of their origin, so as to disassociate ourselves from them. This eventually bucks the trend of passing this explosive parcel of unacknowledged behavior onto our children.
b) LISTENING intently, when they speak –
Another story that I was reading elaborated on this pertinent aspect of parenting.
A soldier from the field called his parents to ask if he could bring along his friend who has lost his legs in the battle when he returns home. The friend, he said, had nobody who could look after him and would need nurturing all through his life. His parents reply in a faltering voice that such a guy would prove to be a burden. Two days later, they get the news of their son’s suicide. On the pretext of his friend, it was he, who needed acceptance after losing his limbs on the battlefield.
Had his parents heard him enough in the past, they could have known form the eye of their intuitive mind, WHAT he meant by the message on the phone.
Shefali Tsabary in THE CONSCIOUS PARENT insists on LISTENING to your child, with all attentiveness and heart when he speaks to you, being PRESENT – mentally and physically when he speaks with the shine in his eyes, before it is lost forever.
c) Partnering with our children –
After reading the book, I made a MAJOR change in my routine. I scheduled more time for my younger son who’s 4, to get ready for school. I realized that though expecting him to perform the morning ritual within my stipulated time-frame was making us reach the bus stop on time, but it wasn’t without pressure of rushing through the routine. It made me lose my temper quite often, when the child failed to get ready on time, set as per my limit. Seeing me like this, he threw more fit making things difficult.
Every child runs with his own speed and to expect him to cover that extra mile can take some time. Adding more time for him to get ready for school, kept us on schedule and light on our mornings.
As he liked reading Geronimo Stilton, I told him, that if he finished early, he gets to read his favourite book or play with his Avenger toys during that extra time.
The journey of parenting and self-realization is labored, requiring conscious efforts; not so much physical as they are mental.
We gain insight that this relationship is ephemeral and that is why so precious. They are not our possessions to behold for life.
I consider ‘The Conscious Parent’ by Shefali Tsabary, the Bible of parenting and read a few paragraphs every day to remind myself that I am RAISING A PARENT really, not a child.
I purchased the book when my elder son was 3 and felt like a fresher to this wonderful world of parenting. Some pages even made me cry out of guilt. I still stumble but now I AM MORE AWARE of those mistakes and rebound with mindfulness of words, thoughts and actions.
Buy the book here.